It's been very cold out for the past week or so - my mind turns to getting 'stuff' done and inwardly criticizing myself for not getting enough 'stuff' done.
I'm sure you know the drill...
I just retired from my regular, administrative duties at the local hospital and have great ideas about how much I really should be getting done. Yup. I should be up at 7am, out the door to my studio by 9am then work work work until 4:30pm. At that time I should be able to do ALL the housework, feed myself and hubbie a suitably healthy, dietworthy dinner, finish up the day with succinct and noteworthy verbiage on my blog/web page/social media and finish off with a yoga flourish before hitting the sack at a time sometime before midnight... Hmm - maybe not so much, eh?
Well, reality is setting in and I'm finding myself dragging the body from my warm sheets sometime between 8:30 and 9am, watching the news and surfing the internet until after noon sometime, MAYBE showing up in my studio by 1pm then downhill from there. As it is - the only regular thing happening is my hubbie is getting fed - maybe not so suitably healthy, diet worthy items but fed nonetheless and I'm getting to sleep sometime after 1am...or so...
So, I ask myself - "Is this it?"
Today, I picked up Leonard Cohen's last work - "The Flame". Engaging and inspiring, though through it all I keep thinking of the man who was suffering during all this collecting and compiling of his work with the knowledge of his ending. What in the world was going through his mind while working this through with his son, publisher and others in attendance?
He'd kept notebooks of his writing throughout his life with sketches, poems and the beginnings of songs - all numbered, not chronologically but by completion. I know I can't compare myself with the genius that was only 'hisown' but what can I leave to the world that shows a ripple that is my passing? What do any of us leave?
I guess everyone probably asks this question when they reach a certain age in life.
Perhaps I need to plant more trees. Create a body of work that satisfies my artistic itch.
Meanwhile - hubbie does the necessary things to keep up the place and feed/water the critters. He's out blowing the new snow off the pavement so I don't have to wet my tootsies on my way out to the studio.
Maybe I should just cut myself some slack. After all - this retirement thing is new to me.